A Life For Him, Not For Me

December 11, 2011

“For what I am doing, I do not understand for what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I that does it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.” Romans 7:15-20

“For you have not so learned in Christ…” Ephesians 4:20

This has been a hard week. God’s been knocking me over the head again and again. We’ve been talking about the Holy Spirit and it’s been a lot of me realizing how incredibly selfish I am. I wanted the Holy Spirit so that I could heal people, not to bring glory to the Father. I suck! You know those times where you just have this realization and you’re like CRAP! I flipping suck. I can’t wait to get to Heaven where I don’t have to battle sin day in and day out! I want to be like Jesus. I wish I could with the snap of my finger.

What I’ve been really trying to sink in lately is...IT’S NOT ABOUT ME! EVER! It’s not about what I want, what I feel, what I think, or what I think I need. It’s about love. The whole story is about love. The beginning, the plot, the climax, the resolution...it all harmonizes with the beautiful melody of love. Creation groans out of desperation for that very word. It brings people together, never pushes them apart. Love is behind all good things. LOVE IS BEHIND ALL GOOD THINGS. Love does not know evil. It doesn’t associate with sin. Love knows nothing other than how to love. (And the cool thing is that God and love are interchangeable. So you can reread that paragraph and replace God for Love each timeJ)

GOD IS LOVE! He bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. GOD NEVER FAILS!  1Corinthians 13:7-8

“For to me to live is Christ, to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21

Every time I deny myself, I gain. I gain the advancement of the kingdom. I gain the ability to do Jesus’ work more effectively. With this mindset I can live to Christ and I die to Christ—with every aspect of life summed up in Jesus, I literally have no room or time to think about myself.

A Psalm 139 Day...

December 10, 2011

“Search me, O God, and know my heart. TRY ME…and lead me in the way EVERLASTING.” 

-Psalm 139:23,24

A Bible Worthy Story :)

December 5^th, 2011

Sometimes, like today, it strikes me that the people of the bible were real people. They lived real lives and these are real accounts of what happened in those lives. It makes me really excited to get to Heaven when I realize this. Like... I can’t wait to talk to King David about what it was like being Saul’s hunted for years or Absalom what he was thinking when he set Joab’s field on fire.

I want to know how furious Joab was when David welcomed Absalom home and kissed him even after he had set Joab’s field on fire. Or how Tamar felt when her half-brother raped her. How hard it must have been for Bathsheba to marry the man who killed her husband—which eventually killed her first son.

I want to ask Esther’s maidservants what it was like living with her and knowing her as a good friend would. I want her to tell me what was going on in her mind when she realized that she was putting her life at risk for the sake of her people.

And, I want to sit Eve down and ask her what the HECK she was thinking when she listened to a TALKING SNAKE!

I want to ask the shepherds in the field in Luke 2 how their lives were changed after an army of angels appeared in the night to tell them of Jesus, then to go on praising God for who knows how long? I want to talk to the “forgottens” of the bible. Like the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years and was then healed after touching Jesus’ robe.  Or the man who was lowered through the roof in Mark 2 to be healed and able to walk again. I want to know THEIR life stories.

Then I want to talk to people like St. Francis of Assisi, Mother Theresa, Loren Cunningham. People who have given up their lives for the sake of the gospel.

I want a life like theirs though. I want to be desperate to spread your word, Jesus. And I want to be used to inspire GENERATIONS. I wasn’t created this way and with this desire…a desire for something BIG and for something GREAT to be forgotten and lost in the midst of 12 billion people.

I was born to shine and to help others let their lights shine. But, what I’m realizing about these people, all of these people actually, is that they didn’t do anything huge. They just loved Jesus and they loved His people.

Man, I want to live a life like them. I want a story worthy a novel, ya know?

Yeah. I want a story worth a novel.

A Second Lesson on Seeds

December 4^th, 2011

Jesus, thank you for placing people in my life who redirect me to what you’ve called me to do. I thank you for the loving grace and truth she provides.

Man, I thank you for adventure. And for the story you’re writing with my life. I pray that it all glorifies YOU Jesus. I want myself to stop getting in the way. I hate that it’s always me that gets in the way. I let Satan get a hold of some weak part of my life. NO MOE! I don’t want it. I HATE him and the crap I let him get away with.

God, I want to walk so closely to you that there’s ABSOLUTELY NO ROOM for him and his stupid games. I don’t want to be a player for him anymore. I don’t want to be a pawn in his sick game of chess; I want to be a WARRIOR in your army Lord.

I want to be on the front line fighting and defending MY faith and MY God…MY JESUS!!

I want to be Timothy when Paul commands him to fight the good fight. When I get to Heaven I want you to give me a hug and whisper in my ear, “Well done my good and faithful servant. You have fought the good fight. You’ve persevered. You’ve won the battle.”

I want to have the heart of King David. I want to handle Saul’s in my life just like he did.

I’m ready for change.

I desire change.

I want nothing more than change.

I want to be chosen like Moses to lead a people for you. I want you to trust me like all the kings.

I want to love like you, Jesus.

I want to be faithful like the disciples and I want to have a resolve like Daniel’s.

I want to be called for a purpose and fulfill that purpose NO MATTER WHAT like Esther.

I don’t want to be sucked in Babylon and Corinth. I don’t want to be like Saul or Absalom. I don’t want to mess up like David or persecute people like Saul did. I don’t want to deny Jesus like Peter did.

I want to be holy and blameless before my King on the day of judgment. If this is as bad as I’ll be...is right here, right now…I will REJOICE.

God, I just want an awesome story that glorifies you. I want to help inspire people out of lifeless jobs and ways of life. I want to feel alive. I want to feel unstoppable. I want to travel this world telling people about you.

This next season of my life is a season of planting seeds. I love how you will non-chalantly underline words for me whenever I’m reading my bible! I guess it is your word after all. But reading 2 Samuel yesterday I felt to underline “plant them” and “your seed” in ch. 7 v10, 12. That’s what it is. In Ecclesiastes 3v3 it says there’s a time to plant and this is my season for that.

During lecture phase God was totally planting His seeds in me, rooting me down in Him so that now I can spread and plant His seeds.

I’m like His sunflower!!

My version of "Our Father"

November 29, 2011

My father, who is in Heaven,

May your name be glorified in my life.

Your love be shown,

Your good, pleasing and perfect will be done

Here in the land of mortals,

As it is in the perfect dwelling place of eternity.

Give me today just what I need.

Forgive me for all I do that breaks your heart;

And help me to forgive those who do the same to me.

Place me on the true path of righteousness,

And deliver me from Satan’s deceitful hands.

Amen. Hallelujah. I love you.

Day Dreams of America

November 28, 2011

I’m ready to come home. I’m having day dreams and night dreams about coming home. I just miss everyone so much. I miss being in America and the comfort that that alone brings. I miss being able to drive and just escape. I miss the cold and I miss the magic of snow. I miss having money—even though Jesus has been blessing me beyond my wildest dreams.

I miss the simplicity of life in Oregon and Washington. I miss rock climbing and camping and really just being outside and I miss the fellowship that went with it.

I’m having such mixed feelings right now because I’m so excited that we’re nearly halfway done, but I’m also sad in that we don’t have much time together and this chapter of my life is about to end as soon as it started—that’s crazy to me.

I never thought this would happen. I honestly thought I’d leave and never go back to America—but now that’s my heart’s desire and I don’t know why that’s not okay in my brain. I don’t know why it feels like going back to America is somehow “copping out.”

I think it might just be a large bout of homesickness. I’ve been able to be on Facebook more this week which keeps me more home instead of here. And with it being Thanksgiving…my first holiday away from home. That was really hard. But God’s bringing me closer to His heart with each painful step I take. I’ll get through this and in a couple weeks I’ll look back on how silly it is for me to even think about all of this. Oy.

"Whatever You're Doing"

November 21, 2011

Song of the Week: “Whatever You’re Doing” by Sanctus Real

It’s time for healing, time to move on,

It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long.

Time to make right what has been wrong,

It’s time to find my way to where I belong.

There’s a wave that’s crashing over me,

And all I can do is surrender.

Whatever you’re doing inside of me,

It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace.

It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,

But I’m giving in to something Heavenly.

Time for a milestone, time to begin again,

Reevaluate who I really am.

Am I doing everything to follow your will,

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills.

So show me what you want from me,

I give everything, I surrender to,

Whatever you’re doing inside of me,

It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace.

It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,

But I’m giving in to something Heavenly.

Time to face up, clean this old house,

Time to breathe in and let everything out,

That I’ve wanted to say for so many years,

Time to release all my held back tears.

Whatever you’re doing inside of me,

It feels like chaos, but now I believe.

You’re up to something bigger than me,

Larger than life, something heavenly.

Whatever you’re doing inside of me,

It feels like chaos, but now I can see.

That this is something bigger than me,

Larger than life, something heavenly,

Something Heavenly.

It’s time to face up,

Clean this old house,

Time to breathe in and let everything out.

Seeking Ourselves Instead of the Kingdom

November 20, 2011

Somewhere in the midst of degeneration between the fall and now, we got things really messed up. We blame the fall, we blame Adam and Eve…truly though, we just play the game they started. They started it yes, but we’ve been perpetuating it. Like the snowball effect—Adam and Eve ate the apple, then 10,000 years alter we have traded Jesus for fame and fortune. We have replaced the love for church with the love of money. We seek first ourselves and expect to inherit the Kingdom. We pass beggars on the street and if we’re feeling righteous we pray for them AND THEN we expect God to answer our every beck and call, but he’s too busy WEEPING because the children that He so dearly loves that He sent his ONLY unique, cherished, unblemished, PERFECT son to DIE for them to COMPLETELY turn their backs on Him.

Can you imagine?

If you had 20 children, and you knew that they would all be taken away, you would never see any of them again BUT instead of that, you could take the best one, your favored, most precious child and send him to die a CRIMINALS DEATH and watch every time they hit him, mocked him, spat on him and ultimately put him to death through suffocation on a cross, and still keep all 19 of your beautiful children. BUT THEN to have at least 18 of those beautiful children TURN THEIR BACKS ON YOU. Have them hate you, swear at you, curse you, disobey you in every single way. And they would continue to do this so that you then have neighbors, who hate you because of your kids, and teachers hate you because of your kids, and your own grandparents, bankers and real estate agents hate you because of your kids. Would YOU do it then? Because I know I wouldn’t. I would send my child to die under ANY circumstance, let alone the above mentioned.

What amazes me the most though is that God knew. He knew this would happen. He KNEW the world would turn its back on Him. But He did it. He endured it for me, for your, for you friends…even for our friends who don’t know Him. Especially for our friends who don’t know Him. And EVEN IF I was the only one who ran back to Him, or You were the only one who came back to Him, He still would have sent Jesus because He loves us THAT MUCH.

Amazing huh.

DTS Is a Strange Thing After All

November 17, 2011

DTS is a strange thing after all. I can’t believe lecture phase is nearly over. WE have three weeks of lectures left, schoolies and outreach prep. I keep wondering, how? How did it go so fast? I feel so sad! I think more sad thought because I haven’t wasted time—it’s not a regrettable sadness. It’s more a disbelief sadness.

Like, how is it nearly over? sadness. Especially because I know how fast outreach will fly by and before we know it it will be time to leave these 7 beautiful people that I’ve grown to know and love so well and who knows when I will see any of them again?

I’ve changed so much since I’ve been here. I have grown so much, but I still desire more, and I think it’s in this that my heart cry has changed. At the beginning of DTS it was more of “God, I want to get to know you and understand your love.” But, now it’s changed to “God, I want others to know you, and understand your love. I want to be your hands and feet and to preach to a lost world that Jesus saves. I want to be a vessel of your love and life. I want to be useful, not useless, to you. I want to LOSE MYSELF in bringing you glory. I want our heart beats to align. Your thoughts to become my thoughts. I want your will to be done on this earth and I genuinely want to do all I can in order for that to happen.”

I understand now, Jesus, that living for myself is not enough and it’s not what you ever intended. I will never be satisfied if I’m not giving ALL I HAVE for you, for your kingdom work, for the reunion of you and your children.

I want a lost world saved, Jesus.

I want restoration between this world and You, their King.

Who will go, God?

I will.

Who will you send Jesus?

Send me.

“’Whom shall I send and who will go for Us?’ Then I said, ‘Here am I! Send me.’” Isaiah 6:8

Seeds

November 16, 2011

I got a vision today of one of those weeds that has tons of seeds on it that you can blow off and they float away in the wind. I hope you know what I’m talking aboutJ and it was like each of the pieces that came off as it was blown was me, going to all these different places all over the earth, planting seeds. God was the breath pushing me forward. Like the breath of life. Scattering me, using me as a vessel. Almost like I’m the seeds and I have all these things that I’m able to give away and share and plantJ

A more personal God

November 14, 2011

I went for a run down to the beach this morning (which to my estimate is 12k! Bloomsday’s got NOTHIN’ on me this year!), and it was such a nice way to start the day. I listen to my Jesus music, and my mind is quiet, which is quite possibly the only time in the whole day that it is! When I got to the beach I just stood where the waves hit the shore, looking out into a seemingly endless ocean and really meditating on how crazy big God is. (Crazy though how He took all that He is and confined Himself into a human body!)

I started to think about how big and also how intricate God is. He made the ocean thousands of miles deep. He created galaxies that are still expanding to this day. He made insects and people and bears and dogs and fish. He made Mt. Everest and an entire continent out of ice and snow. He made the moon for astronauts, the sea for marine biologists, animals for zookeepers, rainforests for ecologists, mountains for snowboarders, music for dancers, instruments for musicians…and on and on!

It keeps hitting me recently how personal our God is. Like this morning on the beach He just quietly reminded me that even if I was the only person He ever created, He still would have made the ocean for me to enjoy and the world for me to travel.

Ahh. Isn’t Jesus awesome?

Learning Fear of the Lord

November 12, 2011

Oh. My. Gosh. Most amazing, life changing week I’ve experience…ever. We had Mark Parker this week for Fear of the Lord/ Lordship week. It made me realize how much I don’t fear the Lord and what a misconstrued idea I have about fear of the Lord. I thought fear of the Lord was actually being afraid of God, but it’s more about respect for the Lord. It’s respect and recognizing that He knows best and that He could do anything to disobey Him which gives Him authority to basically make things not so great for you.

He had a lot of good things to say. Here are some key points:

·         Why are you asking God to do all these things for you? You need to do it yourself. It’s like changing the oil; if you ask your dad to change the oil all the time, you’ll never learn how to do it. God asks us to mature and stop acting like children, demanding that He make all our decisions for us. He has trained us with freewill to make decisions for ourselves.

·         Big God=Big vision, Big dreams. If you dream something and it’s possible without God, it isn’t big enough.

·         Don’t work on changing yourself, work on following Him.

·         We need to choose EVERY DAY who you’re going to follow.

·         We need to capture our thoughts. Just thinking about something isn’t sin. When you act on it, or allow it to take over…THEN it’s sin.

·         The source of sin is US. The devil has no authority—however; we give him authority when we resist God.

·         There’s adventure in the journey. And we need to appreciate that.

·         If we lose ourselves in God, that’s when we truly end up finding ourselves.

·         Fear of the Lord is 1) Awe of God 2) Holiness 3) Continued awareness of His presence 4) Radical and Ordinary Obedience 5) Beginning of all wisdom and knowledge.

·         If you want to have a life message, your need to actually get a life! Live the adventure! Don’t live vicariously! Actually get out there and do it yourself!

·         Anybody who’s anybody in the bible spent time in the wilderness.

·         Our biggest fear is that we’re powerful beyond measure.

And yesterday we had a 15 hour long ministry day. It was the craziest, most amazing day that most definitely changed my entire future. It was focused and structured around the 10 steps of the tabernacle of meeting in the OT. We started off the morning with Thanksgiving and then had an awesome time of worship.

We put together two of the pews from the church and had to “cross-over” from one to the next. First the guys all went and it was SO encouraging to see these young men on fire for God! They were all standing up there with outstretched arms just yelling out praise to Jesus—it’s an image I don’t think I’ll ever forget! After everyone had passed through I felt SO free that I started dancing during worship—lyrical ballet! It was so…free. J We continued to just worship and we were jumping up and down and singing at the top of our lungs and it was truly so beautiful.

After that we did our guilt offering and I just gave up my Nikon, guitar, friends, family, future (passport), future husband to the Lord to have control over and I made a two year commitment to YWAM and a three year, four month commitment to stay single and truly serve the Lord with all I have. Then I gave somewhere are $600 to Matt from the Byron Bay DTS then as we were about to end I really felt the Lord was urging me to give away my guitar to Tina (one of the girls on staff at the base). IT WAS SO HARD. I started crying so hard and Tina started crying, but I know that she was the person I needed to give it to. She told me she’d been praying that if God wanted her to pursue worship then she needed a sign and she told me that I completely changed the course of her life. But I know it wasn’t me…I couldn’t have done it without God telling me it was what I needed to do. But I trust God as a great provider and He will come through with a new guitar for me!!

After that we did our sin offering and I got up there and just did my duty and was totally freed from previous struggles! HALLELUJAH!

When that came to a close we had a time of prayer and it was SO GOOD! I really felt like I needed to talk to Alex, Kirsten and Bryan and both Alex and Kirsten said they felt like they needed to pray for me too. Alex’s prayer was amazing. IT was TOTALLY uplifting! She was saying that I’m a leading warrior in God’s army and how she sees me just sweeping over nations. One phrase I won’t forget, “This girl’s story’s gonna be one for the books.” She encouraged me in how she could see that my heart was totally on fire for God and that I left an impression on her before she had even spoken to me.

Kirsten and Bryan and Michelle actually just reaffirmed what an instant impact I have on people and how my heart truly is set on Jesus. Bryan commented on my natural leaderships and said something  about me going to many nations and Kirsten reaffirmed that…she actually gave me a really interesting verse: Acts 4:27 and how I can only see my future as a little circle but God sees a really really big circle..if that makes senseJ So that was good and I felt so encouraged to be in YWAM and that people could truly see God’s light in me. That was awesome.

Next we did baptism of the Holy Spirit. Mark asked if any of us wanted to speak in tongues so I went forward. He made a cross on my forehead in oil and he was touched my mouth with it. He started praying and I can’t remember entirely what he said, but what I do remember was that I felt really excited for my future after he prayed for me. He told me not to just jump into speaking, but that it needed to overflow from me. At first it was just slow but then phrases just came pouring out of my mouth! At some point I raised my hands and I can’t remember when Mark stopped praying, but it was such a heart cry. I remember feeling desperation. I was thinking about Cambodia and the Philippines and Thailand. With each country my brain would zoom into a city and then into faces of children. I had no idea what I was saying, but I knew God heard and it was so intimate. I felt SO close to God. I need more experiences like this.

After that we did a time of prophecy/words. I was paired with Bryan and Kirsten again. Bryan got a picture of me in a desert walking, holding a black baby and Kirsten got a picture of a sort of spring where water comes in and flows through places that are dry and how the spring pours into the dry places and then overflows out. She interpreted it as me bring the water/joy of life into a dry place that needs it. She said she also saw a frog which was interesting because for me that means Fully Relying on God and then today Pastor Brad had a bookmark with that phrase on it. Hmm J Mark thinks I’m meant to go to Africa. However…I have this feeling that I’m meant to be in the Middle East… =/

Oh! Also during the guilt offering when I gave my guitar away I was blessed with $300 from two people on my DTS. Such a blessingJ

With all this talk about my future, it’s fair to say I’m getting really excited for it. :D

Inner Conflict and what to do with my life!

November 6, 2011

SO MUCH INNER CONFLICT! It’s about that time of DTS where everyone is wondering what’s going to happen post-DTS. Scary thought, I must admit. There are so many options. After you join YWAM (which after you’re done reading all my blogs and hear me rave about it, I’m sure you’ll at least WANT tooJ), your life options expand to basically the entire globe. There are secondary schools like the School of Dance Studies, School of Worship, School of Evangelism, and School of Missions…literally endless possibilities. But, there’s also the option of going back to school which seems SO appealing to me right now.

Do you understand my conflict?! I’m pretty sure that God’s giving me the option, but I also would just like it if He would tell me what He wants me to do. I would really like to go to school at Gordon College in Wenham, MA. However, I’m pretty sure that’s just my own selfish desire. I’ve been pretty homesick lately. I don’t know what it is. I’ve never been away from home this long. And I actually miss America. I think the fact that Australia is similar but not entirely the same makes it really hard to be here. However, I’m learning SO MUCH. Much more than I would or could learn doing anything else.

I don’t feel at peace about going back to school…but I just am maybe too wrapped up in the image of the “American Dream” and living the status quo.

Lord, grant me the serenity to get through the season in Jesus name.

Song of the week: “In Me” by Casting Crowns

If you asked me to leap, out of my boat into crashing wave,

If you asked me to go preach to a lost world that Jesus saves,

I’ll go, but I cannot go alone,

Cause I know I’m nothing on my own

But the power of Christ in me makes me strong

Makes me strong

When I’m weak, you make me strong

When I’m blind, you shine the light on me

Cause I’ll never get by, living on my own ability

How refreshing to know you don’t need me

How amazing to find that you want me

So I’ll stand on your truth and fight with your strength

Till you bring the victory

By the power of Christ in me

If you asked me to run, and carry your light into foreign land

If you asked me to fight, deliver your people from Satan’s hand,

I’ll go, but I cannot go alone

Cause I know I’m nothing on my own,

But the power of Christ in me makes me strong

Makes me strong

When I’m weak, you make me strong

When I’m blind, you shine the light on me

Cause I’ll never get by, living on my own ability

How refreshing to know you don’t need me

How amazing to find that you want me

So I’ll stand on your truth and fight with your strength

Till you bring the victory

By the power of Christ in me

To reach out with your hands

To look through your eyes

To love with the love of a Savior

To feel with your heart and to think with your mind

I’d give my last breath for your glory

When I’m weak, you make me strong

When I’m blind you shine your light on me,

Cause I’ll never get by living by my own ability

When I’m weak, you make me strong

When I’m blind, you shine the light on me

Cause I’ll never get by, living on my own ability

How refreshing to know you don’t need me

How amazing to find that you want me

So I’ll stand on your truth and fight with your strength

Till you bring the victory

By the power of Christ in me

The power of Christ in me,

The power of Christ in me.

The journey to Oz

November 2, 2011

Crazy weekend! We just participated in what YWAM Gold Coast deems “Oz Quest.” A four day epic journey to prepare us for outreach. We walked nearly 30 miles, ate limited portions of food, and slept very little. Not that I’m complaining or anythingJ I really enjoyed being outside for what seemed like the first time in AGES! It was nice, and it was a good team bonding experience. And the feast near the end was such a delightful treat, I felt like a princess.

The last night was hard though. We had just hiked to this covered/canopy area. You know, the kind of place you’d see in a park where they have birthday parties and such. So we get there and there is a cross and music playing. And it’s a night of surrender. We’re not allowed to talk. We’re supposed to right down all the areas of our lives that we hold to ourselves and our clenching—not wanting to hand them over to God.

What I’ve learned since coming to DTS is that I am and Idolater. Not in the clear sense of the word. I don’t worship other gods, I don’t bow down to rats, I enjoy a good cheeseburger.  However, I am guilty of loving my friends and family more than Jesus. Truthfully, they were what held me back from coming to Australia in the first place. I was called, then I was scared to leave them, so I decided to stay in America, but realized that when God says go…you go.

So on that Monday night, I let go. I don’t think I’ve cried so hard since being on DTS. I just came to the realization that by trying to hold onto control, I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything either way; that’s God’s job and I’m doing both of us a disservice by trying to think that by loving them enough or staying wherever they are, I’ll be able to protect them. In fact, if I did that, it would break God’s heart and it would not make my life nearly as cool as God wants to make it!

The next day, as I was just truly enjoying being outside and having some solid time with the Lord, He gave me a vision. A vision of something big. A lot bigger than myself. He gave me glimpse into my future; however I’m fairly sure that it was the distant future. Well, yeah. Pretty distant. Wanna glimpse of my glimpse? Well, you’ll just have to stay tuned into my life J