A Life For Him, Not For Me

December 11, 2011

“For what I am doing, I do not understand for what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I that does it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.” Romans 7:15-20

“For you have not so learned in Christ…” Ephesians 4:20

This has been a hard week. God’s been knocking me over the head again and again. We’ve been talking about the Holy Spirit and it’s been a lot of me realizing how incredibly selfish I am. I wanted the Holy Spirit so that I could heal people, not to bring glory to the Father. I suck! You know those times where you just have this realization and you’re like CRAP! I flipping suck. I can’t wait to get to Heaven where I don’t have to battle sin day in and day out! I want to be like Jesus. I wish I could with the snap of my finger.

What I’ve been really trying to sink in lately is...IT’S NOT ABOUT ME! EVER! It’s not about what I want, what I feel, what I think, or what I think I need. It’s about love. The whole story is about love. The beginning, the plot, the climax, the resolution...it all harmonizes with the beautiful melody of love. Creation groans out of desperation for that very word. It brings people together, never pushes them apart. Love is behind all good things. LOVE IS BEHIND ALL GOOD THINGS. Love does not know evil. It doesn’t associate with sin. Love knows nothing other than how to love. (And the cool thing is that God and love are interchangeable. So you can reread that paragraph and replace God for Love each timeJ)

GOD IS LOVE! He bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. GOD NEVER FAILS!  1Corinthians 13:7-8

“For to me to live is Christ, to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21

Every time I deny myself, I gain. I gain the advancement of the kingdom. I gain the ability to do Jesus’ work more effectively. With this mindset I can live to Christ and I die to Christ—with every aspect of life summed up in Jesus, I literally have no room or time to think about myself.

A Psalm 139 Day...

December 10, 2011

“Search me, O God, and know my heart. TRY ME…and lead me in the way EVERLASTING.” 

-Psalm 139:23,24

A Bible Worthy Story :)

December 5^th, 2011

Sometimes, like today, it strikes me that the people of the bible were real people. They lived real lives and these are real accounts of what happened in those lives. It makes me really excited to get to Heaven when I realize this. Like... I can’t wait to talk to King David about what it was like being Saul’s hunted for years or Absalom what he was thinking when he set Joab’s field on fire.

I want to know how furious Joab was when David welcomed Absalom home and kissed him even after he had set Joab’s field on fire. Or how Tamar felt when her half-brother raped her. How hard it must have been for Bathsheba to marry the man who killed her husband—which eventually killed her first son.

I want to ask Esther’s maidservants what it was like living with her and knowing her as a good friend would. I want her to tell me what was going on in her mind when she realized that she was putting her life at risk for the sake of her people.

And, I want to sit Eve down and ask her what the HECK she was thinking when she listened to a TALKING SNAKE!

I want to ask the shepherds in the field in Luke 2 how their lives were changed after an army of angels appeared in the night to tell them of Jesus, then to go on praising God for who knows how long? I want to talk to the “forgottens” of the bible. Like the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years and was then healed after touching Jesus’ robe.  Or the man who was lowered through the roof in Mark 2 to be healed and able to walk again. I want to know THEIR life stories.

Then I want to talk to people like St. Francis of Assisi, Mother Theresa, Loren Cunningham. People who have given up their lives for the sake of the gospel.

I want a life like theirs though. I want to be desperate to spread your word, Jesus. And I want to be used to inspire GENERATIONS. I wasn’t created this way and with this desire…a desire for something BIG and for something GREAT to be forgotten and lost in the midst of 12 billion people.

I was born to shine and to help others let their lights shine. But, what I’m realizing about these people, all of these people actually, is that they didn’t do anything huge. They just loved Jesus and they loved His people.

Man, I want to live a life like them. I want a story worthy a novel, ya know?

Yeah. I want a story worth a novel.

A Second Lesson on Seeds

December 4^th, 2011

Jesus, thank you for placing people in my life who redirect me to what you’ve called me to do. I thank you for the loving grace and truth she provides.

Man, I thank you for adventure. And for the story you’re writing with my life. I pray that it all glorifies YOU Jesus. I want myself to stop getting in the way. I hate that it’s always me that gets in the way. I let Satan get a hold of some weak part of my life. NO MOE! I don’t want it. I HATE him and the crap I let him get away with.

God, I want to walk so closely to you that there’s ABSOLUTELY NO ROOM for him and his stupid games. I don’t want to be a player for him anymore. I don’t want to be a pawn in his sick game of chess; I want to be a WARRIOR in your army Lord.

I want to be on the front line fighting and defending MY faith and MY God…MY JESUS!!

I want to be Timothy when Paul commands him to fight the good fight. When I get to Heaven I want you to give me a hug and whisper in my ear, “Well done my good and faithful servant. You have fought the good fight. You’ve persevered. You’ve won the battle.”

I want to have the heart of King David. I want to handle Saul’s in my life just like he did.

I’m ready for change.

I desire change.

I want nothing more than change.

I want to be chosen like Moses to lead a people for you. I want you to trust me like all the kings.

I want to love like you, Jesus.

I want to be faithful like the disciples and I want to have a resolve like Daniel’s.

I want to be called for a purpose and fulfill that purpose NO MATTER WHAT like Esther.

I don’t want to be sucked in Babylon and Corinth. I don’t want to be like Saul or Absalom. I don’t want to mess up like David or persecute people like Saul did. I don’t want to deny Jesus like Peter did.

I want to be holy and blameless before my King on the day of judgment. If this is as bad as I’ll be...is right here, right now…I will REJOICE.

God, I just want an awesome story that glorifies you. I want to help inspire people out of lifeless jobs and ways of life. I want to feel alive. I want to feel unstoppable. I want to travel this world telling people about you.

This next season of my life is a season of planting seeds. I love how you will non-chalantly underline words for me whenever I’m reading my bible! I guess it is your word after all. But reading 2 Samuel yesterday I felt to underline “plant them” and “your seed” in ch. 7 v10, 12. That’s what it is. In Ecclesiastes 3v3 it says there’s a time to plant and this is my season for that.

During lecture phase God was totally planting His seeds in me, rooting me down in Him so that now I can spread and plant His seeds.

I’m like His sunflower!!

My version of "Our Father"

November 29, 2011

My father, who is in Heaven,

May your name be glorified in my life.

Your love be shown,

Your good, pleasing and perfect will be done

Here in the land of mortals,

As it is in the perfect dwelling place of eternity.

Give me today just what I need.

Forgive me for all I do that breaks your heart;

And help me to forgive those who do the same to me.

Place me on the true path of righteousness,

And deliver me from Satan’s deceitful hands.

Amen. Hallelujah. I love you.

Day Dreams of America

November 28, 2011

I’m ready to come home. I’m having day dreams and night dreams about coming home. I just miss everyone so much. I miss being in America and the comfort that that alone brings. I miss being able to drive and just escape. I miss the cold and I miss the magic of snow. I miss having money—even though Jesus has been blessing me beyond my wildest dreams.

I miss the simplicity of life in Oregon and Washington. I miss rock climbing and camping and really just being outside and I miss the fellowship that went with it.

I’m having such mixed feelings right now because I’m so excited that we’re nearly halfway done, but I’m also sad in that we don’t have much time together and this chapter of my life is about to end as soon as it started—that’s crazy to me.

I never thought this would happen. I honestly thought I’d leave and never go back to America—but now that’s my heart’s desire and I don’t know why that’s not okay in my brain. I don’t know why it feels like going back to America is somehow “copping out.”

I think it might just be a large bout of homesickness. I’ve been able to be on Facebook more this week which keeps me more home instead of here. And with it being Thanksgiving…my first holiday away from home. That was really hard. But God’s bringing me closer to His heart with each painful step I take. I’ll get through this and in a couple weeks I’ll look back on how silly it is for me to even think about all of this. Oy.

"Whatever You're Doing"

November 21, 2011

Song of the Week: “Whatever You’re Doing” by Sanctus Real

It’s time for healing, time to move on,

It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long.

Time to make right what has been wrong,

It’s time to find my way to where I belong.

There’s a wave that’s crashing over me,

And all I can do is surrender.

Whatever you’re doing inside of me,

It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace.

It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,

But I’m giving in to something Heavenly.

Time for a milestone, time to begin again,

Reevaluate who I really am.

Am I doing everything to follow your will,

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills.

So show me what you want from me,

I give everything, I surrender to,

Whatever you’re doing inside of me,

It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace.

It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,

But I’m giving in to something Heavenly.

Time to face up, clean this old house,

Time to breathe in and let everything out,

That I’ve wanted to say for so many years,

Time to release all my held back tears.

Whatever you’re doing inside of me,

It feels like chaos, but now I believe.

You’re up to something bigger than me,

Larger than life, something heavenly.

Whatever you’re doing inside of me,

It feels like chaos, but now I can see.

That this is something bigger than me,

Larger than life, something heavenly,

Something Heavenly.

It’s time to face up,

Clean this old house,

Time to breathe in and let everything out.

Seeking Ourselves Instead of the Kingdom

November 20, 2011

Somewhere in the midst of degeneration between the fall and now, we got things really messed up. We blame the fall, we blame Adam and Eve…truly though, we just play the game they started. They started it yes, but we’ve been perpetuating it. Like the snowball effect—Adam and Eve ate the apple, then 10,000 years alter we have traded Jesus for fame and fortune. We have replaced the love for church with the love of money. We seek first ourselves and expect to inherit the Kingdom. We pass beggars on the street and if we’re feeling righteous we pray for them AND THEN we expect God to answer our every beck and call, but he’s too busy WEEPING because the children that He so dearly loves that He sent his ONLY unique, cherished, unblemished, PERFECT son to DIE for them to COMPLETELY turn their backs on Him.

Can you imagine?

If you had 20 children, and you knew that they would all be taken away, you would never see any of them again BUT instead of that, you could take the best one, your favored, most precious child and send him to die a CRIMINALS DEATH and watch every time they hit him, mocked him, spat on him and ultimately put him to death through suffocation on a cross, and still keep all 19 of your beautiful children. BUT THEN to have at least 18 of those beautiful children TURN THEIR BACKS ON YOU. Have them hate you, swear at you, curse you, disobey you in every single way. And they would continue to do this so that you then have neighbors, who hate you because of your kids, and teachers hate you because of your kids, and your own grandparents, bankers and real estate agents hate you because of your kids. Would YOU do it then? Because I know I wouldn’t. I would send my child to die under ANY circumstance, let alone the above mentioned.

What amazes me the most though is that God knew. He knew this would happen. He KNEW the world would turn its back on Him. But He did it. He endured it for me, for your, for you friends…even for our friends who don’t know Him. Especially for our friends who don’t know Him. And EVEN IF I was the only one who ran back to Him, or You were the only one who came back to Him, He still would have sent Jesus because He loves us THAT MUCH.

Amazing huh.

DTS Is a Strange Thing After All

November 17, 2011

DTS is a strange thing after all. I can’t believe lecture phase is nearly over. WE have three weeks of lectures left, schoolies and outreach prep. I keep wondering, how? How did it go so fast? I feel so sad! I think more sad thought because I haven’t wasted time—it’s not a regrettable sadness. It’s more a disbelief sadness.

Like, how is it nearly over? sadness. Especially because I know how fast outreach will fly by and before we know it it will be time to leave these 7 beautiful people that I’ve grown to know and love so well and who knows when I will see any of them again?

I’ve changed so much since I’ve been here. I have grown so much, but I still desire more, and I think it’s in this that my heart cry has changed. At the beginning of DTS it was more of “God, I want to get to know you and understand your love.” But, now it’s changed to “God, I want others to know you, and understand your love. I want to be your hands and feet and to preach to a lost world that Jesus saves. I want to be a vessel of your love and life. I want to be useful, not useless, to you. I want to LOSE MYSELF in bringing you glory. I want our heart beats to align. Your thoughts to become my thoughts. I want your will to be done on this earth and I genuinely want to do all I can in order for that to happen.”

I understand now, Jesus, that living for myself is not enough and it’s not what you ever intended. I will never be satisfied if I’m not giving ALL I HAVE for you, for your kingdom work, for the reunion of you and your children.

I want a lost world saved, Jesus.

I want restoration between this world and You, their King.

Who will go, God?

I will.

Who will you send Jesus?

Send me.

“’Whom shall I send and who will go for Us?’ Then I said, ‘Here am I! Send me.’” Isaiah 6:8

Seeds

November 16, 2011

I got a vision today of one of those weeds that has tons of seeds on it that you can blow off and they float away in the wind. I hope you know what I’m talking aboutJ and it was like each of the pieces that came off as it was blown was me, going to all these different places all over the earth, planting seeds. God was the breath pushing me forward. Like the breath of life. Scattering me, using me as a vessel. Almost like I’m the seeds and I have all these things that I’m able to give away and share and plantJ

A more personal God

November 14, 2011

I went for a run down to the beach this morning (which to my estimate is 12k! Bloomsday’s got NOTHIN’ on me this year!), and it was such a nice way to start the day. I listen to my Jesus music, and my mind is quiet, which is quite possibly the only time in the whole day that it is! When I got to the beach I just stood where the waves hit the shore, looking out into a seemingly endless ocean and really meditating on how crazy big God is. (Crazy though how He took all that He is and confined Himself into a human body!)

I started to think about how big and also how intricate God is. He made the ocean thousands of miles deep. He created galaxies that are still expanding to this day. He made insects and people and bears and dogs and fish. He made Mt. Everest and an entire continent out of ice and snow. He made the moon for astronauts, the sea for marine biologists, animals for zookeepers, rainforests for ecologists, mountains for snowboarders, music for dancers, instruments for musicians…and on and on!

It keeps hitting me recently how personal our God is. Like this morning on the beach He just quietly reminded me that even if I was the only person He ever created, He still would have made the ocean for me to enjoy and the world for me to travel.

Ahh. Isn’t Jesus awesome?

Learning Fear of the Lord

November 12, 2011

Oh. My. Gosh. Most amazing, life changing week I’ve experience…ever. We had Mark Parker this week for Fear of the Lord/ Lordship week. It made me realize how much I don’t fear the Lord and what a misconstrued idea I have about fear of the Lord. I thought fear of the Lord was actually being afraid of God, but it’s more about respect for the Lord. It’s respect and recognizing that He knows best and that He could do anything to disobey Him which gives Him authority to basically make things not so great for you.

He had a lot of good things to say. Here are some key points:

·         Why are you asking God to do all these things for you? You need to do it yourself. It’s like changing the oil; if you ask your dad to change the oil all the time, you’ll never learn how to do it. God asks us to mature and stop acting like children, demanding that He make all our decisions for us. He has trained us with freewill to make decisions for ourselves.

·         Big God=Big vision, Big dreams. If you dream something and it’s possible without God, it isn’t big enough.

·         Don’t work on changing yourself, work on following Him.

·         We need to choose EVERY DAY who you’re going to follow.

·         We need to capture our thoughts. Just thinking about something isn’t sin. When you act on it, or allow it to take over…THEN it’s sin.

·         The source of sin is US. The devil has no authority—however; we give him authority when we resist God.

·         There’s adventure in the journey. And we need to appreciate that.

·         If we lose ourselves in God, that’s when we truly end up finding ourselves.

·         Fear of the Lord is 1) Awe of God 2) Holiness 3) Continued awareness of His presence 4) Radical and Ordinary Obedience 5) Beginning of all wisdom and knowledge.

·         If you want to have a life message, your need to actually get a life! Live the adventure! Don’t live vicariously! Actually get out there and do it yourself!

·         Anybody who’s anybody in the bible spent time in the wilderness.

·         Our biggest fear is that we’re powerful beyond measure.

And yesterday we had a 15 hour long ministry day. It was the craziest, most amazing day that most definitely changed my entire future. It was focused and structured around the 10 steps of the tabernacle of meeting in the OT. We started off the morning with Thanksgiving and then had an awesome time of worship.

We put together two of the pews from the church and had to “cross-over” from one to the next. First the guys all went and it was SO encouraging to see these young men on fire for God! They were all standing up there with outstretched arms just yelling out praise to Jesus—it’s an image I don’t think I’ll ever forget! After everyone had passed through I felt SO free that I started dancing during worship—lyrical ballet! It was so…free. J We continued to just worship and we were jumping up and down and singing at the top of our lungs and it was truly so beautiful.

After that we did our guilt offering and I just gave up my Nikon, guitar, friends, family, future (passport), future husband to the Lord to have control over and I made a two year commitment to YWAM and a three year, four month commitment to stay single and truly serve the Lord with all I have. Then I gave somewhere are $600 to Matt from the Byron Bay DTS then as we were about to end I really felt the Lord was urging me to give away my guitar to Tina (one of the girls on staff at the base). IT WAS SO HARD. I started crying so hard and Tina started crying, but I know that she was the person I needed to give it to. She told me she’d been praying that if God wanted her to pursue worship then she needed a sign and she told me that I completely changed the course of her life. But I know it wasn’t me…I couldn’t have done it without God telling me it was what I needed to do. But I trust God as a great provider and He will come through with a new guitar for me!!

After that we did our sin offering and I got up there and just did my duty and was totally freed from previous struggles! HALLELUJAH!

When that came to a close we had a time of prayer and it was SO GOOD! I really felt like I needed to talk to Alex, Kirsten and Bryan and both Alex and Kirsten said they felt like they needed to pray for me too. Alex’s prayer was amazing. IT was TOTALLY uplifting! She was saying that I’m a leading warrior in God’s army and how she sees me just sweeping over nations. One phrase I won’t forget, “This girl’s story’s gonna be one for the books.” She encouraged me in how she could see that my heart was totally on fire for God and that I left an impression on her before she had even spoken to me.

Kirsten and Bryan and Michelle actually just reaffirmed what an instant impact I have on people and how my heart truly is set on Jesus. Bryan commented on my natural leaderships and said something  about me going to many nations and Kirsten reaffirmed that…she actually gave me a really interesting verse: Acts 4:27 and how I can only see my future as a little circle but God sees a really really big circle..if that makes senseJ So that was good and I felt so encouraged to be in YWAM and that people could truly see God’s light in me. That was awesome.

Next we did baptism of the Holy Spirit. Mark asked if any of us wanted to speak in tongues so I went forward. He made a cross on my forehead in oil and he was touched my mouth with it. He started praying and I can’t remember entirely what he said, but what I do remember was that I felt really excited for my future after he prayed for me. He told me not to just jump into speaking, but that it needed to overflow from me. At first it was just slow but then phrases just came pouring out of my mouth! At some point I raised my hands and I can’t remember when Mark stopped praying, but it was such a heart cry. I remember feeling desperation. I was thinking about Cambodia and the Philippines and Thailand. With each country my brain would zoom into a city and then into faces of children. I had no idea what I was saying, but I knew God heard and it was so intimate. I felt SO close to God. I need more experiences like this.

After that we did a time of prophecy/words. I was paired with Bryan and Kirsten again. Bryan got a picture of me in a desert walking, holding a black baby and Kirsten got a picture of a sort of spring where water comes in and flows through places that are dry and how the spring pours into the dry places and then overflows out. She interpreted it as me bring the water/joy of life into a dry place that needs it. She said she also saw a frog which was interesting because for me that means Fully Relying on God and then today Pastor Brad had a bookmark with that phrase on it. Hmm J Mark thinks I’m meant to go to Africa. However…I have this feeling that I’m meant to be in the Middle East… =/

Oh! Also during the guilt offering when I gave my guitar away I was blessed with $300 from two people on my DTS. Such a blessingJ

With all this talk about my future, it’s fair to say I’m getting really excited for it. :D

Inner Conflict and what to do with my life!

November 6, 2011

SO MUCH INNER CONFLICT! It’s about that time of DTS where everyone is wondering what’s going to happen post-DTS. Scary thought, I must admit. There are so many options. After you join YWAM (which after you’re done reading all my blogs and hear me rave about it, I’m sure you’ll at least WANT tooJ), your life options expand to basically the entire globe. There are secondary schools like the School of Dance Studies, School of Worship, School of Evangelism, and School of Missions…literally endless possibilities. But, there’s also the option of going back to school which seems SO appealing to me right now.

Do you understand my conflict?! I’m pretty sure that God’s giving me the option, but I also would just like it if He would tell me what He wants me to do. I would really like to go to school at Gordon College in Wenham, MA. However, I’m pretty sure that’s just my own selfish desire. I’ve been pretty homesick lately. I don’t know what it is. I’ve never been away from home this long. And I actually miss America. I think the fact that Australia is similar but not entirely the same makes it really hard to be here. However, I’m learning SO MUCH. Much more than I would or could learn doing anything else.

I don’t feel at peace about going back to school…but I just am maybe too wrapped up in the image of the “American Dream” and living the status quo.

Lord, grant me the serenity to get through the season in Jesus name.

Song of the week: “In Me” by Casting Crowns

If you asked me to leap, out of my boat into crashing wave,

If you asked me to go preach to a lost world that Jesus saves,

I’ll go, but I cannot go alone,

Cause I know I’m nothing on my own

But the power of Christ in me makes me strong

Makes me strong

When I’m weak, you make me strong

When I’m blind, you shine the light on me

Cause I’ll never get by, living on my own ability

How refreshing to know you don’t need me

How amazing to find that you want me

So I’ll stand on your truth and fight with your strength

Till you bring the victory

By the power of Christ in me

If you asked me to run, and carry your light into foreign land

If you asked me to fight, deliver your people from Satan’s hand,

I’ll go, but I cannot go alone

Cause I know I’m nothing on my own,

But the power of Christ in me makes me strong

Makes me strong

When I’m weak, you make me strong

When I’m blind, you shine the light on me

Cause I’ll never get by, living on my own ability

How refreshing to know you don’t need me

How amazing to find that you want me

So I’ll stand on your truth and fight with your strength

Till you bring the victory

By the power of Christ in me

To reach out with your hands

To look through your eyes

To love with the love of a Savior

To feel with your heart and to think with your mind

I’d give my last breath for your glory

When I’m weak, you make me strong

When I’m blind you shine your light on me,

Cause I’ll never get by living by my own ability

When I’m weak, you make me strong

When I’m blind, you shine the light on me

Cause I’ll never get by, living on my own ability

How refreshing to know you don’t need me

How amazing to find that you want me

So I’ll stand on your truth and fight with your strength

Till you bring the victory

By the power of Christ in me

The power of Christ in me,

The power of Christ in me.

The journey to Oz

November 2, 2011

Crazy weekend! We just participated in what YWAM Gold Coast deems “Oz Quest.” A four day epic journey to prepare us for outreach. We walked nearly 30 miles, ate limited portions of food, and slept very little. Not that I’m complaining or anythingJ I really enjoyed being outside for what seemed like the first time in AGES! It was nice, and it was a good team bonding experience. And the feast near the end was such a delightful treat, I felt like a princess.

The last night was hard though. We had just hiked to this covered/canopy area. You know, the kind of place you’d see in a park where they have birthday parties and such. So we get there and there is a cross and music playing. And it’s a night of surrender. We’re not allowed to talk. We’re supposed to right down all the areas of our lives that we hold to ourselves and our clenching—not wanting to hand them over to God.

What I’ve learned since coming to DTS is that I am and Idolater. Not in the clear sense of the word. I don’t worship other gods, I don’t bow down to rats, I enjoy a good cheeseburger.  However, I am guilty of loving my friends and family more than Jesus. Truthfully, they were what held me back from coming to Australia in the first place. I was called, then I was scared to leave them, so I decided to stay in America, but realized that when God says go…you go.

So on that Monday night, I let go. I don’t think I’ve cried so hard since being on DTS. I just came to the realization that by trying to hold onto control, I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything either way; that’s God’s job and I’m doing both of us a disservice by trying to think that by loving them enough or staying wherever they are, I’ll be able to protect them. In fact, if I did that, it would break God’s heart and it would not make my life nearly as cool as God wants to make it!

The next day, as I was just truly enjoying being outside and having some solid time with the Lord, He gave me a vision. A vision of something big. A lot bigger than myself. He gave me glimpse into my future; however I’m fairly sure that it was the distant future. Well, yeah. Pretty distant. Wanna glimpse of my glimpse? Well, you’ll just have to stay tuned into my life J

Lukewarm Water

It’s week five and I still can’t believe I’m in Australia. The last few weeks have been beyond amazing. Through lectures and bonding with different people here, it’s already been an experience I am sure to never forget.

As we “speak” J I am sitting in a coffee shop in Byron Bay—a small beach hippie town just an hour south of the Gold Coast—drinking possibly the best loose leaf chai tea I have ever tasted in my whole life. I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve asked myself when my life got so coolJ

I’ve learned through this journey of self-discovery that you’re living the life you were meant to live when you wake up nearly every day and ask yourself when you’re life became so amazing. I am sure now that this is where God has been trying to get me to for this exact purpose. Along with that though, I have also realized why it was that I was so resistant to God’s calling. If I leave once, I will leave again and I will start this unstoppable habit—separating myself time and time again from friends and family—the dearest people in my life. But what I’ve also come to realize is that I have too easily made those closest to me idols in my life. I think we can easily fall into idolatry with our friends and family members because it doesn’t feel like idolatry. It’s been such a hard lesson for me, but has just begun stretching me in unfamiliar, uncomfortable but much needed ways.

The past few lectures have been life changing and life challenging. We had a week on hearing God’s voice, which I’ll flush out in my next blog and also the Character and Nature of God. The Character and Nature of God really spurred my heart. I believe it has brought me to the most pivotal point in my Christian walk.

God’s really been convicting me for the last two years of being a “lukewarm” Christian. I’ve been a good person, subjecting myself to the easier parts of God’s will for my life. I’m nice to people, I go to church, I tithe. Yeah, I’m a Christian. But last week when our speaker was talking about God being a good God, I started to be really challenged. He started off by saying that God doesn’t want bad things happening to good people. It’s the age old question, isn’t it? Why do bad things happen to good people? I wondered if God didn’t want that to happen, why did they? If I believed that God is a good God, then there must be reason behind martyrs and people dying for the sake of the gospel.

In the long run, it began to put my faith into question. Our leader asked us what it meant to be a true disciple: the willingness to lay it all down to Christ. You see, I feel as though our world has sugar coated Christianity. We don’t realize that following Jesus is more than calling yourself a Christian. The harsh reality is that that won’t give you access to Heaven. Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:21 that many will come to Him on the day of the judgment saying Lord, Lord, I did all of these things and Jesus says, “I did not know you, depart from me.” Then again we see in James 2:14-17 “What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warm and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.”

So then I’m left with this, the question I’ve been wrestling with for three days now; do I really truly and honestly believe that God is 1) real and 2) sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins? Because I’m sick of living in this half way lukewarm Christianity, “So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth,” (Revelation 3:16). I’m coming to the place where I need to either jump completely in or completely out. If tomorrow someone threw me in jail and told me I had to change my faith or I would be executed, I think I would change my faith, because I have this looming fear that if I were to say, “I believe Jesus Christ is my personal Lord and Savior” I would die and nothing would happen. I have this strong desire to meet with God in such a tangible way so that I would be able to say without a shadow of a doubt that God is all that He says He is, and to live according to all He says to live by in the bible.

It’s a pretty scary place to be because I know that in the end my life will be changed. I know what the end outcome will be; because in the craziest most nonsensical way I have faith that God will come through for me on this. In some extravagant way I trust that God will completely reveal Himself to me so that I can say in earnest, “Whatever you ask of me God, I will do, whether it be an underground missionary in Afghanistan or planting churches in the heart of Africa, I will go where you ask me to go and do what you want me to do.”

Until then, I’m sitting in a pot of lukewarm water.

Oy vay.

Quite A Week

We officially finished our first week of classes in  the Discipleship Training School! It's so hard for me to believe that I've been here 15 days now, but let me tell you, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

It's been so exciting learning all of these new things about God. Things that I wouldn't have even thought about if I hadn't been here. One of the first things we learned about was Intercession. For the longest time I had always wondered why I needed to pray. If God knows everything that I'm going to ask for, what's the point of even asking? Isn't that wasting His time?! The way our speaker Kerstin worded it is that, yes, God knows exactly what you're going to ask for. He knows everything you need, He knows everything the world needs. However, He's not just going to do something. It would be just like me giving you my coat if you hadn't even asked for it. I hope this makes sense! The verse that really stuck out for me was Ezekiel 22:30 "So I sought for a man among them who would make a wall, and stand in the gap before Me on behalf on the land, that I should not destroy it; but I found no one." What God was saying to me in this verse is, "I can change the world through any of my followers, but until one steps up and wants the change that I do, I can do nothing."

It is ASTOUNDING to me that an all powerful, almighty, all everything God, chooses not to do anything on His own, but wants a partnership with His children. Crazy, right?! Oh my gosh. I love it. I feel like now for this reason God will hear my prayers. I mean, I know He did before, but this really struck home and my heart.

So every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday we start the day interceding or "standing in the gap" for other countries, people, or organizations. Already we've devoted our prayers to the country of Yemen where 99% of the people are unreached and the country is devastated with violence and riots, all the countries we're from (America, Germany, Norway, Finland, Canada, South Korea, Denmark, Australia) and we've prayed for the Railway Children in India, a large portion of the children in India who have no where to sleep at night, no food to eat and a life of fear. We prayed for the Railway Children organization that takes in these children and tries to find homes for them. This year alone 9,000 children were put into homes. Praise the Lord! We also then wrote to children within the organization. Telling them we loved them, God loves them unconditionally and they have hope for the future. I would encourage you to put them in your prayers too. I couldn't even imagine having to grow up sleeping under bridges, never knowing where I was going to get my food from or who might be lurking around me in my sleep. Please pray for these children.

We started our Coffee Van ministry this week! I LOVE IT! We go into downtown Southport which is where there's shopping and high homeless rates and we set up our table and ask everyone who walks by if they would like free coffee, tea or milo (a really disgusting Australian version of hot chocolate) :). Most of the homeless people know that we're there and come by regularly. One guy, Brendon, became my friend:) He's an older man and he loves to talk to you about anything and everything. It's so sad to me, because it makes me think, who doesn't talk to him that he would need to tell us everything. I love it though. I love hearing his stories, his dreams. He's writing a book called working backwords. I'll tell you more about him next week.

For the first half of coffee van (about a two hour long ministry) we we handing out coffee, and then the second half we went on a prayer walk around the city of Southport. As we were walking down this street, I got a really heavy feeling. Our leader told us that this street was where a good majority of the homeless youth slept at night. The street had a lot of stores with entrances that had coverings over them to keep the kids dry from the rain, shade from the heat. It broke my heart. I just looked into a corner and could imagine these kids coming in at 1 or 2 in the morning and getting no reprieve. I can't imagine having to roam the streets all day and have no where to go. No rest. Sleeping on concrete. Eating whatever they can. It makes me so angry how so much of this world can be living in wealth while there are children in India sleeping under bridges, and youth in the Gold Coast who find the streets safer than their own homes.

And then I think, "Wow, Megan. Hypocrit?" Yes, I am. I have a bed and clothes and much more than I could ever need. I don't know what to do, but I pray God reveals some way that these kids (turned adult too soon, I am sure) can be helped by me.

I think that's all for now. I don't need to write a novel.

Please keep me in your prayers:)

Megan

Sometimes The Hardest Thing And The Right Thing Are The Same

Wow. That is the only way I can start this post. The past few weeks have been such a whirlwind of emotion, peace and excitement.

Sitting here, on the front porch of my new Australian home, I am sobered by my journey to get here—to right where I am today. I remember leaving Cheney nearly three weeks ago, and hearing the words from a familiar song, “sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.” Of being reminded that God doesn’t call us to a life of comfort—although I sure wish He did!

It was incredibly difficult leaving all the beautiful people that God had blessed me with for the past two years of my life; people who I am sure will never leave my heart, mind, or life. Ever. But I was comforted with the fact that if God placed them in my life, surely it wasn’t just for that season of my life, but to hold them as confidantes forever.

Leaving home was nearly as hard, however I knew that it was the most necessary step for following Jesus. I have known for so long that to live a life truly dedicated to the Lord, I was going to take up His call to leave my family. He has given me so much strength in knowing that I have so much more in His kingdom. The strength and courage I’ve received from following God’s call has far surpassed any expectations I have had already. And it’s only week one!

My first week in Australia has been spectacular. We have 7 students in our school: 6 girls and 1 boy from all over the world. Vikki from England, Maija from Finland, Berith from Denmark, Arthur from Australia, Anika from Canada, Ashley from Korea and little ole me from AmericaJ

We’ve just been doing basic orientation things: if you see a shark—get out of the water, watch out for big spiders, trust God, and be completely surrendered. The basicsJ

My days will begin at 7am with morning work duties around the house that everyone is assigned too. (There are five girls in my house, by the way). Then the mornings are different by the day. We’ll either have worship, intercession, or a meeting from 9-10, morning tea (best thing EVER) from 10-10:30, lectures from 10:30-1:00, lunch from 1-2, then it’s different from 2-4 everyday—some days we have one on ones, other days we have small groups, on Friday’s we have outreach, and on the other days we will have ACTS which are our assigned duties around the base from maintenance to kitchen duties, etc. From 4-530 is our assigned “study time” or dinner prep if you’re assigned for it that week, then dinner from 530-630. After that is free time except on Thursday where we have our “coffee van” outreach, which I can tell you more about after this Thursday at our first coffee van outreachJ

I can’t even tell you how reassured I am to be here at this time. It has been so clear to me that this is exactly where God has called me for this time. He’s starting something revolutionary in my heart. I’ve been reading Loren Cunningham’s (the founder of YWAM) book, “Is That Really You, God?” And it has thrown my mind and heart for a loop; for it seems that Loren and I share the same vision: to see young people change the world for Jesus. I know this is what I want and need to do; I’m just waiting for clear direction on how God is going to use me to fulfill this vision, and what He’ll have me doing.

It’s a very exciting time for meJ I’m excited to see where God will take me and what ways He will use me. Please keep me and YWAM bases everywhere in your prayers; they are doing amazing things to spread the gospel of our Lord and SaviorJJ

Love from down undah ;) 

Megan

The beach at Surfers Paradise, 6km away from the base:)

 The beach and skyline of Surfers Paradise

 4 of the 6 girls on DTS and an intern...(From L to R; ME:), Vikki, Anika, Tina, Maija)

An upwards escalator! Except not an escalator...because it doesn't have steps. WEIRD!

The story of how I got here:)

I believe this journey started two years ago as I was preparing to graduate high school and choose a college. I had wanted to go far away. I looked at New York and Boston, Italy and France. I wanted to get as far away from Madras as I could. I had felt for so long that Madras wasn’t the place for me; that God had much bigger, much greater plans for me.  But, when it came time to choose “here” or “there” I chickened out—a theme that has seemed to plague my life since then.

I have felt as though everytime God has called me to go somewhere, I find comfort in my surroundings a greater calling than His. “I don’t want to leave my friends,” “things are going so well here,” “I think I’ve found my career path this time” are all excuses and justifications I have used one too many times. At the end of my freshman year in college, I was incredibly disheartened by not being able to decide on a major. I had always had things figured out, and now it seemed I was the only one of my friends that had nothing figured out. It was hard! At that point I applied to YWAM in New Zealand, not really sure if that was where God was calling me, but I hadn’t felt that Eastern was the place for me. In due time, I “realized” I had amazing friends, wanted to be an elementary education major, and I loved Eastern. While all of these things are true, I believe they had been justifications for living my life the way I wanted too.

This past year at Eastern was absolutely amazing. I was living with three absolutely amazing girls, two of which I am sure will be dear to me until the day I die. J And I was genuinely happy. Besides the occasional offsets from a certain someone I was dating who was no good for me…It was a good year! But, there was something unsettling in my spirit. Maybe it was because I wasn’t used to having it all figured out, maybe it was coming from frustration of trying and trying to figure it out and failing time and time again, maybe (and most likely) it was because God had never intended for me to be at Eastern this past year.

This is something I have learned: God will use any situation to the best and He will make it absolutely as wonderful as you’re willing to work for, but He may have had something better in mind. I regret nothing from this past year; I have loved every moment I’ve gotten to spend with my friends, family, classmates, and coworkers. But, I believe God has called me out of this lifestyle for the umpteenth time, but for the first, I’m deciding to listen.

In March I rented out a cabin to myself for a night. I decided I was just going to pray and fast about what this next year was supposed to have in store for me. While I was sitting in silence, desperately wanting to hear from the Lord, a verse came into my mind—“Therefore go and make disciples of all the nations” Matthew 28:19, a verse familiar to many. When I remembered that YWAM’s mission statement is “to make disciples of all nations” I knew this is what God had planned.

I returned to Cheney with a renewed spirit. Finally I was going to follow through and commit to something! But, as the weeks went by my fear and anticipation grew. The devil fed me lies—“you’re not strong enough,” “you can’t leave your family for that long,” “your friends will move on and forget about you”—the list goes on. And I listened. I didn’t think I was strong enough to leave everyone and everything to travel 13,000 miles to a country I’d never been to before and stay there for 12 months. No way.

So from deciding upon that, to going to Colorado for Summer Project with Campus Crusade for Christ, and returning home—I realized I couldn’t return to Eastern in the fall. God had called me, and as Josh Wilson says in his song, “I don’t want to wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself, oh I refuse, not to move, I refuse.”

Miraculously, (and by the grace of God, seriously) everything fell right into place. I contacted YWAM Gold Coast (whom I hadn’t been in contact with for over three months) and asked if they still had a place in their program for me (mind you, this was 44 days before the commencement of the program) and I was greeted with unmatchable enthusiasm.  They had been praying for months that I would contact them. They were curious to know my story and what had been going on. They wanted me there. And they knew God did too.

From then on God kept opening doors. My parents were able to provide financial support for the trip (costing around $14,000—which, by the way, if you’d like to support me just email me at jesussloverr@gmail.com and I will send you some information about how you can help me to do God’s work J), I was able to purchase a one way flight to Australia for $500 less than the fares we had been seeing, my visa was accepted in the short span of four hours, I was able to contact my landlord with an intent to vacate (God had oh so mysteriously blessed me with a month-to-month lease!), and I was able to withdraw from Eastern with no harm or fowl. Basically, God is SO AWESOME!

That’s my testimony for right now! I will be leaving for Aussie in exactly three weeks from today and I couldn’t be more excited to see the things God has in store and the way He is going to shape and mold me and my teammates and the ways in which He will strengthen my faith.

Basically...I AM SO EXCITED!