A Life For Him, Not For Me

December 11, 2011

“For what I am doing, I do not understand for what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I that does it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.” Romans 7:15-20

“For you have not so learned in Christ…” Ephesians 4:20

This has been a hard week. God’s been knocking me over the head again and again. We’ve been talking about the Holy Spirit and it’s been a lot of me realizing how incredibly selfish I am. I wanted the Holy Spirit so that I could heal people, not to bring glory to the Father. I suck! You know those times where you just have this realization and you’re like CRAP! I flipping suck. I can’t wait to get to Heaven where I don’t have to battle sin day in and day out! I want to be like Jesus. I wish I could with the snap of my finger.

What I’ve been really trying to sink in lately is...IT’S NOT ABOUT ME! EVER! It’s not about what I want, what I feel, what I think, or what I think I need. It’s about love. The whole story is about love. The beginning, the plot, the climax, the resolution...it all harmonizes with the beautiful melody of love. Creation groans out of desperation for that very word. It brings people together, never pushes them apart. Love is behind all good things. LOVE IS BEHIND ALL GOOD THINGS. Love does not know evil. It doesn’t associate with sin. Love knows nothing other than how to love. (And the cool thing is that God and love are interchangeable. So you can reread that paragraph and replace God for Love each timeJ)

GOD IS LOVE! He bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. GOD NEVER FAILS!  1Corinthians 13:7-8

“For to me to live is Christ, to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21

Every time I deny myself, I gain. I gain the advancement of the kingdom. I gain the ability to do Jesus’ work more effectively. With this mindset I can live to Christ and I die to Christ—with every aspect of life summed up in Jesus, I literally have no room or time to think about myself.

A Psalm 139 Day...

December 10, 2011

“Search me, O God, and know my heart. TRY ME…and lead me in the way EVERLASTING.” 

-Psalm 139:23,24

A Bible Worthy Story :)

December 5^th, 2011

Sometimes, like today, it strikes me that the people of the bible were real people. They lived real lives and these are real accounts of what happened in those lives. It makes me really excited to get to Heaven when I realize this. Like... I can’t wait to talk to King David about what it was like being Saul’s hunted for years or Absalom what he was thinking when he set Joab’s field on fire.

I want to know how furious Joab was when David welcomed Absalom home and kissed him even after he had set Joab’s field on fire. Or how Tamar felt when her half-brother raped her. How hard it must have been for Bathsheba to marry the man who killed her husband—which eventually killed her first son.

I want to ask Esther’s maidservants what it was like living with her and knowing her as a good friend would. I want her to tell me what was going on in her mind when she realized that she was putting her life at risk for the sake of her people.

And, I want to sit Eve down and ask her what the HECK she was thinking when she listened to a TALKING SNAKE!

I want to ask the shepherds in the field in Luke 2 how their lives were changed after an army of angels appeared in the night to tell them of Jesus, then to go on praising God for who knows how long? I want to talk to the “forgottens” of the bible. Like the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years and was then healed after touching Jesus’ robe.  Or the man who was lowered through the roof in Mark 2 to be healed and able to walk again. I want to know THEIR life stories.

Then I want to talk to people like St. Francis of Assisi, Mother Theresa, Loren Cunningham. People who have given up their lives for the sake of the gospel.

I want a life like theirs though. I want to be desperate to spread your word, Jesus. And I want to be used to inspire GENERATIONS. I wasn’t created this way and with this desire…a desire for something BIG and for something GREAT to be forgotten and lost in the midst of 12 billion people.

I was born to shine and to help others let their lights shine. But, what I’m realizing about these people, all of these people actually, is that they didn’t do anything huge. They just loved Jesus and they loved His people.

Man, I want to live a life like them. I want a story worthy a novel, ya know?

Yeah. I want a story worth a novel.

A Second Lesson on Seeds

December 4^th, 2011

Jesus, thank you for placing people in my life who redirect me to what you’ve called me to do. I thank you for the loving grace and truth she provides.

Man, I thank you for adventure. And for the story you’re writing with my life. I pray that it all glorifies YOU Jesus. I want myself to stop getting in the way. I hate that it’s always me that gets in the way. I let Satan get a hold of some weak part of my life. NO MOE! I don’t want it. I HATE him and the crap I let him get away with.

God, I want to walk so closely to you that there’s ABSOLUTELY NO ROOM for him and his stupid games. I don’t want to be a player for him anymore. I don’t want to be a pawn in his sick game of chess; I want to be a WARRIOR in your army Lord.

I want to be on the front line fighting and defending MY faith and MY God…MY JESUS!!

I want to be Timothy when Paul commands him to fight the good fight. When I get to Heaven I want you to give me a hug and whisper in my ear, “Well done my good and faithful servant. You have fought the good fight. You’ve persevered. You’ve won the battle.”

I want to have the heart of King David. I want to handle Saul’s in my life just like he did.

I’m ready for change.

I desire change.

I want nothing more than change.

I want to be chosen like Moses to lead a people for you. I want you to trust me like all the kings.

I want to love like you, Jesus.

I want to be faithful like the disciples and I want to have a resolve like Daniel’s.

I want to be called for a purpose and fulfill that purpose NO MATTER WHAT like Esther.

I don’t want to be sucked in Babylon and Corinth. I don’t want to be like Saul or Absalom. I don’t want to mess up like David or persecute people like Saul did. I don’t want to deny Jesus like Peter did.

I want to be holy and blameless before my King on the day of judgment. If this is as bad as I’ll be...is right here, right now…I will REJOICE.

God, I just want an awesome story that glorifies you. I want to help inspire people out of lifeless jobs and ways of life. I want to feel alive. I want to feel unstoppable. I want to travel this world telling people about you.

This next season of my life is a season of planting seeds. I love how you will non-chalantly underline words for me whenever I’m reading my bible! I guess it is your word after all. But reading 2 Samuel yesterday I felt to underline “plant them” and “your seed” in ch. 7 v10, 12. That’s what it is. In Ecclesiastes 3v3 it says there’s a time to plant and this is my season for that.

During lecture phase God was totally planting His seeds in me, rooting me down in Him so that now I can spread and plant His seeds.

I’m like His sunflower!!

My version of "Our Father"

November 29, 2011

My father, who is in Heaven,

May your name be glorified in my life.

Your love be shown,

Your good, pleasing and perfect will be done

Here in the land of mortals,

As it is in the perfect dwelling place of eternity.

Give me today just what I need.

Forgive me for all I do that breaks your heart;

And help me to forgive those who do the same to me.

Place me on the true path of righteousness,

And deliver me from Satan’s deceitful hands.

Amen. Hallelujah. I love you.

Day Dreams of America

November 28, 2011

I’m ready to come home. I’m having day dreams and night dreams about coming home. I just miss everyone so much. I miss being in America and the comfort that that alone brings. I miss being able to drive and just escape. I miss the cold and I miss the magic of snow. I miss having money—even though Jesus has been blessing me beyond my wildest dreams.

I miss the simplicity of life in Oregon and Washington. I miss rock climbing and camping and really just being outside and I miss the fellowship that went with it.

I’m having such mixed feelings right now because I’m so excited that we’re nearly halfway done, but I’m also sad in that we don’t have much time together and this chapter of my life is about to end as soon as it started—that’s crazy to me.

I never thought this would happen. I honestly thought I’d leave and never go back to America—but now that’s my heart’s desire and I don’t know why that’s not okay in my brain. I don’t know why it feels like going back to America is somehow “copping out.”

I think it might just be a large bout of homesickness. I’ve been able to be on Facebook more this week which keeps me more home instead of here. And with it being Thanksgiving…my first holiday away from home. That was really hard. But God’s bringing me closer to His heart with each painful step I take. I’ll get through this and in a couple weeks I’ll look back on how silly it is for me to even think about all of this. Oy.

"Whatever You're Doing"

November 21, 2011

Song of the Week: “Whatever You’re Doing” by Sanctus Real

It’s time for healing, time to move on,

It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long.

Time to make right what has been wrong,

It’s time to find my way to where I belong.

There’s a wave that’s crashing over me,

And all I can do is surrender.

Whatever you’re doing inside of me,

It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace.

It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,

But I’m giving in to something Heavenly.

Time for a milestone, time to begin again,

Reevaluate who I really am.

Am I doing everything to follow your will,

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills.

So show me what you want from me,

I give everything, I surrender to,

Whatever you’re doing inside of me,

It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace.

It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,

But I’m giving in to something Heavenly.

Time to face up, clean this old house,

Time to breathe in and let everything out,

That I’ve wanted to say for so many years,

Time to release all my held back tears.

Whatever you’re doing inside of me,

It feels like chaos, but now I believe.

You’re up to something bigger than me,

Larger than life, something heavenly.

Whatever you’re doing inside of me,

It feels like chaos, but now I can see.

That this is something bigger than me,

Larger than life, something heavenly,

Something Heavenly.

It’s time to face up,

Clean this old house,

Time to breathe in and let everything out.